The Stuff I Can't Change

Our family Christmas is amazing, unbelievable, more than I deserve.  My kids, no matter birthed from my womb, or my heart, join in the chaos that is our family.  Some people would look in our window and think that the everyday life is that, chaos. But those that know, those that love within our God given circle of children and adults, know that the chaos is just the life that flows within the ties that bind us all together.  Family, not necessarily birthed, but chosen on all fronts.

In the midst of all the traditions today, and this evening, I was caught in a sadness, a bubble if you like, of seeing life in the chaos of the kids, and grandkids, and paper, and presents.  Laughter, life, hope, future, little ones running around in their dress up princess costumes, and others having nerf gun fights, while others texting each other for the first time on their new phones, then I made the phone call to my elderly parents, one in hospital, and the other in an independent living facility.  While they were "chipper" as an Aussie would say, I know they were making the best of a not so pleasant Christmas.

I cannot be in two places at once and I know that my family in Australia does the very best they can, but there is something in my heart that breaks knowing my elderly parents, married for some sixty two years, not always joyful mind you, but married just the same, spent Christmas not with family, or even together.  I hate how life spins those twists and turns that make it impossible to be everything to everyone.  I have to admit that a few, or a couple, of my grandchildren wondered why "Grammy" was upset on this joyous day, but I hope that I am not in that position in the years to come.

I was lucky to have my mother in law for so many years come and be a part of our lives, and I wish my parents were a little closer, and not with the health issues that challenge them at this time of their lives.  There is nothing I can change, other than pray for their continued well being, and nothing my sisters can do other than be there when they can.  They also have families, children, and grandchildren who need them and, the responsibility of elderly parents, is not always clear cut, easy, or able to always work out to be the best for all concerned.

So another Christmas has come, and is about to end in just a few small hours, but the sense of family, past, elderly, young parents, children, grandchildren is with me, a blessing, a worry if I am being honest, a joy bringing love indescribable, and a commitment that is unending.  My family is the most important thing in my life above The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost and I am truly blessed to have every last one of them in my life.  I am particularly blessed to se my three eldest sons at home, who have struggled with their relationship over the last three and a half years, laugh, joke and be brothers.  There is no greater present than that for me.  Isaiah is healing.

Christmas at the Thompsons

This week has been busy to say the least, but I finally feel like it's Christmas.  We picked up Isaiah early yesterday morning from his drop off point in Gwinnett county and the planning and festivities began.  I am so proud of him, he has not only grown so much, in his education, but also in his outlook to life.  He had options this Christmas about where to spend his time, and I have to say as a parent, I did give him freedom within boundaries.  His older sister wanted him to come home to her, but with all the recent developments, her obvious resentment at him being at job corps, along with the fact that they would not pay for him to be transported there, I, as his Mum, did not feel that this was a good choice, even if she would pay for the transport.

He is "up", feeling successful, achieving at his trade, as well as his school work.  This is not a time for lectures or downers put on his rising self esteem.  I know he used us as his excuse not to go, even though he wants to see his sister, but isn't that what parents are there for?  I do know some of my older kids have regaled stories of how they used us as an excuse when they didn't feel comfortable about going to a party or event in their youth.  But, we also left the door open.  His sister is welcome to visit us here if she is willing to travel, and find her own accommodation if she really wants to see him.  I do not think Christmas is the time for disagreements so offering housing would lead to "not so good" interactions I fear.

So, we all piled in the airport shuttle, (that's what we drive) and headed to DollyWood early this morning.  I had made sandwiches for the journey, and from when we arrived, from that moment, and yes, I know it is cheesy, I felt like it was Christmas.  The lights, the family atmosphere, the hot chocolate and hot apple cider, the Christmas shows, and of course, the roller coasters.  Who, when you have nine children with you, can do without the roller coasters?

As the song goes, "Christmas Is Here" and tomorrow, we will wrap, laugh, squabble about who makes what cookies, bake and prepare dishes for the Christmas feast, and do some last minute shopping, eat treats, and watch holiday movies as we prepare for "Carols by Candle Light" at out church Christmas Eve.  Have a wonderful family Christmas everyone, and if you cannot be with your loved ones, then say a little prayer, and celebrate the birth of Christ in this special season.

Progress

So Isaiah is coming home for the holidays on Friday morning.  We pick him up from Sam's Club in Gwinnett county where the bus from college drops him off.  It was rather funny really, because he forgot, in his excitement, to tell us just which Sam's club it was.  The reason for that?  Well this last week has been rather busy for me, so when he called, I was doing sound for one of my kids plays, the phone was on mute, and he had been advised if I didn't answer to call Dad.  Well, dad's are notorious for not asking questions, so which Sam's is it?  Dad didn't think to ask that.  Only Mums want more explicit information.

On that note, I called Job Corps in Franklin this morning to be put straight though Isaiah's counselor who knew exactly where, and when.  We had a wonderful conversation about how well he is doing, but I have to say, my breath was taken away when I realized that while his grades are so much better that 1.8 three and a half years ago, his grades, while close, have not yet reached middle school level.  But, he is determined, and so are they, for the final achievement of his GED.

All the plays are finally down, and cleaning, shopping and baking are the order of the day.  We had an MRI for Jada yesterday, and and EEG scheduled for today, so I think I may join some of those that end up shopping late on Christmas Eve.  Dollywood, our annual Christmas tradition, is supposed to be Saturday if I can get it all together in time.  For those of you who have never been there at Christmas, it is the one place I know that feels like the season and the most amazing presence of family, traditions, and the reasons for the season, Jesus.

So wishing you all a Merry Christmas, don't eat too much pudding!

Looking forward.....

Some weeks go down in the history of your life, and I think this has, or is still being, one of them.  It started out with rumblings from Isaiah's older sister, who I think is on a "mission from God", that is not quite working for her, followed by another grand mal epileptic seizure from our amazing, but scary 12 year old, on top of that my mother, 85, in hospital in Australia having had another mini stroke on top of hip replacement surgery, with three shows and multiple dress and final rehearsals going down every day.  Two of these I am directing, but one of them, I not only direct, but do sets, costumes, lights, sound, props, anything that is needed I'm it.  So, you can see, that interruptions of any sort were really not needed, or welcome this week.

Thank goodness we had a Neurologist appointment on Tuesday morning for Jada, and after being diagnosed as epileptic, we went away with a prescription that should stop the seizures, and allow her to go on and dance her heart away in the Polar Express.  The other couple of hic cups are not quite so easy.  My mother is two days journey in the air from me (you skip a day on the way there), and with what is going on at home, I just can't leave for minor reasons right now.  Not only the time away when my child needs me, but, the weighing in on which is more important, and if I am letting my Mum down.  I heard today that she is going to rehab and I have to trust explicitly in my sisters who still live there, and abide by their decisions as to whether I should abandon what I am needed here for, to jump on a plane, and do what?  These sort of decisions are so hard in life.  I want my Mum to know that I love her, that I am supporting her, but I don't know that realistically there is a lot I can do other than cheer from the sidelines while she is in rehab.  A guilty place to be for sure.

And then there is Isaiah's older sister, who is married and has made many decisions that I do not agree with, but as I pointed out to her recently, she had the freedom to make those and she needs to let Isaiah have the same freedom to make his.  Unfortunately, her mind cannot accept that maybe all of her ideas are not acceptable to him, and although he wants to see her, and communicate, he will not be influenced to follow the path she is currently on.  For better or for worse, she has "made friends" with the very "parents" who tipped her out, would not speak to her for several years, banned her from speaking with Isaiah and her sister while both of them were living there, and has banned her from speaking to her younger sister for at least four years.  I do not agree with separating siblings especially those who have come from the circumstances these sibs do.

I do admit I did lose my "calm" when after several rather angry postings on a social media page became known (by older kids allowed on such) to my 12 year old, she became so stressed to hear what Isaiah's sister was venting to the world, she lay down, feeling dizzy, and had another seizure.  During all of this, some of my other older kids, unbeknown to me until later, as I was not party to the site, were defending their mother's honor.  I applaud them for that, and recognize they live daily with the truth and see both sides, but it all became mute after the real truth started to emerge and suddenly the postings were no more.

I have immense empathy for these children who have been misguided, hurt, abused, and are trying everything in their power to somehow resurrect their little family that has been torn apart by broken, abusive adoption, but I cannot let that ruin Isaiah's life or affect the other children in my care.  I know his sister wants to "suddenly" see him for Christmas, and I don't have a problem with that, but, she comes to my house, and sees him under my roof, and I hear what she has to say to a minor that has been through too much to be swayed yet once again for someone else's purposes or plans.  Somehow I don't think that fits with her plan, but she is welcome.

I guess we see if free accommodation, free access without ears to say or influence someone into your direction, and free family support, friendly smiles, and gifts are not available, will she still want to do what it takes to see her brother?  It is somewhat telling that until recently, the sudden reconnection with the former family, that she has barely made contact with Isaiah at all.  She has not been a part or even available to offer advice over the last three hard years as to how to reach him, and even posted that publicly, has visited with him twice in three and a half years, and yet someone, has made her think she has influence over him.  Mmmmm......maybe that is a romantic notion.

Gosh, it happens more than you think!

So tonight, while I really wanted to think it would go away, I got another aggressive text from one of the kids we tried to rescue, got rescued, slammed me, came back, went back to the former abusers, and is now slamming me again, because, mainly, her brother is being successful.  I will be always respective of everyone's opinions, but after a few back and forth conversations on FB, not me because I unfriended her, my little twelve year old, trying to stand up for her Mum and Dad, is on the computer, and has another grand mal seizure.

I will not tolerate selfishness and stupid opinions for a child's welfare.  Oh, the FB conversation was deleted, because of the truth being exposed, but the damage done to an innocent twelve year old??  Oh I hope that doesn't happen to anyone's child, let alone the supposedly accuser's children.

I am not in blame mode, but why are people so damaged, that they cannot consider anyone else other than themselves??  I can forgive, always, but forget???  There is a saying about being fooled.  Shame on you for the first time, but SHAME on ME after that.

My children are the most precious thing in the world to me, notwithstanding whether they were birthed or adopted.  Don't ever, mess with my children.  You can do what ever number you like on me, but, don't ever mess with my kids.  They are innocent, they are protected by me, and will always be, no matter what circumstance.   And for all those who are interested, this includes Isaiah.  He is doing great.  He finally understands what being parented is about, and I know when he reads his text in the morning about Jada is going to be just a devastated as I am, because, he truly accepts her as his sister.

Broken

Though the years we have had some "broken" kids, for a day or two, a year or two, or for as long as it takes.  Broken kids don't do well in families, because they are "broken" and do not understand relationships, in any way shape or form.  Most of these kids have had parents that deserted them, let them down, died, or disappeared from their lives to make them into very young persons who had to take control of their life, otherwise, in their minds, it may fail, end up in a way that left them vulnerable to very life itself.

I came to understand this through a child who I could not understand, comprehend, or figure out how I could parent such child.  I am thankful, that this particular, beautiful young lady, who was my first experiment in such behaviors, has turned out to be remarkable, but this is so often not the case.  It DID take a village to raise her, and I am so proud of what she has become, but, there are others that have crossed the threshold of our house that have not ended up so well, because quite often "brokenness" becomes a disorder, commonly known as "attachment disorder", or "reactive attachment disorder".  These kids just cannot let go of control of their lives to anyone, because, their parents by innocent means, or negligence, have betrayed them as parents.

In the last few years we have been exposed to children from "broken" adoptions, where parenting in the first place was broken beyond repair, to such an extent that they ended up in an orphanage explicitly designed to place children in American homes.  These children are survivors.  Survivors of war, abuse, lack of education, loss of immediate siblings and family, and lack of hope as they sit in an orphanage that could not feed them all, due to lack of funds, nor educate them, only push them onto some unsuspecting, uneducated persons who thought that love and prayer was the answer to all their problems.

I cannot tell you how wrong that perception is, much as I wish it was true.  I cannot tell you of the unplanned abuse that happened to many of these children, mainly due to ignorance of what is involved in either adopting or fostering a child you have never seen before, nor had a present relationship with, to where you visited, had week-ends with, got to know over a period of time.  Just as we would not meet a person for the first time and get married, neither should you do this when you adopt children.  The feelings of want, love, yearning are all on the parents side.  The children are just desperate to get out of where they are, and will, and do, say anything to get to the "promise" they have been led to believe.  Might I say here, that in these cases that I have been exposed to, in my home as well as by hearsay, the parents involved have had no training in what to expect.

I have been educated in the process and needs of children who come into foster-adoptive care, and was literally forced into rescuing a couple of children adopted into the above circumstances.  I am thrilled to say one is working out, mainly because he has been, and accepted being "parented"  over the last three years. The other, a sibling, unfortunately, was too old to be parented, or to accept parental advice, therefore leaving her subject to her original abusers, and vulnerable to accepting any words that would condone her actions.  It is sad for me to say some of these kids accept advice, some don't.  Some learn, some don't.  Some return to their abusers for approval, some don't.  None of this is predictable.  All I can do is pray for those that have been sent to me, but not condone continued abuse or ignorance.

IT happens

Well the last couple of weeks have been hectic as well as emotional and life changing.  Last week, one of my sweet, innocent twelve year olds had a grand mal seizure, which really caused me concern.  Upon arriving at the ER, where she was totally normal now, not remembering anything other than being really tired, we were thrown back six years to worrying about a heart defect that was cured.  Thank God, it was cured, no doubts at all at the heart specialist, but then, my mom, who is 85 years old, is suddenly taken to hospital, in Australia, with a bad fall, resulting in hip replacement surgery, with knee repair (from the fall) surgery as well.  I am informed that this will take place with epidural surgery, not anesthesia, because she has had a few mini strokes, and upon entry to hospital, they discovered, has an enlarged heart, so in the end it was anesthesia.  She had another "mini" stroke a couple of days ago, leaving her with slurred speech and fear of her next surgery.

Australia is a long way away, and although I have two sisters there, who are amazing and keep me informed, that is not much of a comfort.  My Dad is almost 93 years of age, and really spry, and still driving, but is also concerned for his wife of more years than most people get.  On top of that, I am involved with my children in more than one production at this time of year, in fact three, two of which I am directing.  Crunch time, in every way possible in my life.  And then?  Oh yes, and THEN!

While parts of my life that are God directed are blossoming, opportunities beyond my imagination, the stuff between my feet, trying to falter me, is just too time consuming, emotionally, and physically.  It is time to cut ties that make trouble, that is beyond my control.

My family call me "soft", I think I am strong, but with propensities that lead me sometimes to be more sympathetic, or empathetic,  than I need to be.  So, my strength comes from my Redeemer, and I rely on that at all times, so, as scripture tells us, "strength will arise" and it has.  I do not, ever, back off from the truth, that includes the "adventures of Isaiah", nor responsibility, that includes my children, including Isaiah, my mother, my father, and extended family, and also the commitments I have in the coming week or ten days, as well as emergencies that arise, but for those who think they can manipulate, threaten, or frighten me into something I don't believe in?  Think again.  My strength cometh from the hills, from the Lord who strengthens me.