New Day; New Ways

Well today we took Isaiah back to public school. A long hard decision not made without much prayer and asking what was the right thing to do. Alas, I have had to arrive at at the gut feel I always had, that he really has what I call "Survivor Disorder" and what the world calls "Attachment Disorder". Now, I am not a newbie to this problem. After fostering some sixty odd children, we have had our share of what is known as "RAD" (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and Attachment Disordered kids. Reactive just means they are violent, destructive to themselves, little ones and animals, light fires, refuse to eat, pick apart or destroy their toys or anything else in their way, and really, really, hate their mothers.

The reason for this is simply they feel "right or wrong" that they were abandoned by their mothers (it could have been fathers too) and they had to survive by themselves. We have seen this in children as young as 22 months. Depending on the abuse, or circumstances in this instance, is the extent of the "Survival or Attachment" issue. On top of this, Isaiah has had to deal with a disrupted adoption which led to him being left on the streets of Monrovia, Liberia, without any identification (I will clarify: passport, green card, social security) and only the money he had earned himself in the USA. His beloved camera, which he paid for himself, was also taken from him on the premise that it would be stolen in Liberia. This camera cost him many hours of hard labor and many dollars. I believe a couple of hundred. For a thirteen year old that is a lot.

Just how does this child ever trust again? On top of that, after eighteen months in a house where all the children have been nurtured, tutored for their learning disabilities, honest to a fault, how can he hide, deceive, lie and keep his distance without being noticed by an entire family. Lucky for him, they have been taught not to judge, but to just tell the truth. This has been a very hard experience for Isaiah. After all the lies, every day countless numbers of times, the fights(physical) he has tried on to become the "Alpha Dog", I applaud and am proud of my kids for not judging, but not accepting his behavior. On top of that, this poor kid has never been educated. Well, you say, as I did, this can be fixed. Intensive but we can fix this thing.

What I have come to believe, maybe cause this little light goes on in my head that I know is the Lord, is that he has no "work ethic". Now you may disagree and I am OK with that, we all don't have the same opinion, but I believe I know know that "work ethic" starts with that first drawing, or project, or task that a child is asked to hand in completed either in pre-school, kindergarten or maybe for some first grade. But when your "parents" both in Africa where this is nearly impossible, or your adoptive family does not educate you, you don't simply have a work ethic. The inbuilt intuition that you must finish this task to please somebody or even yourself is not there. He has been denied that, both in Africa and unfortunately by his previous adoptive family who foolishly do not believe that as Christians we are not of the world, but we sure do live in it. And, we are expected to abide by the rules set down by the leaders of our countries which clearly stipulate in ours, that no child should be left behind in education.

For Isaiah, this has been more than a double whammy. His father took him from his sisters for a couple of years in Africa before he then dumped in in the orphanage where his older sister had to come to know him and stand up for him. He is then adopted into an American family only to find that they have another agenda as well and at the first sign of trouble, abandon him again back on the streets of Liberia, scared, alone and without anything. He then gets rescued by a "rich" in his words, family and is out for what he can get. Who can blame him? And then, after all his defensive protests, finds he is uneducated and what a huge struggle that is for him to overcome.

And then our mistake, that he would feel comfortable in a small, private, christian school, which is more like a community, believing or fearing that he would fall into bad company in a secular school. He was like a fish out of water and in every social event, both at school and in our home, it was obvious that he was uncomfortable and did not know or did not understand the ease at which these kids had with each other. Sad but true.

Then the light shines. All is very clear in light of the Lord. Over Christmas, tired of all the deceit, lies and half truths, we just put it on the table. Tired of the physical and mental fight for control, we put it out there. Are you attached to anyone? The answer. Not really, no. What, not even your sisters? No, not really. No surprise, he does not contact or even speak about his sisters. It becomes clear. If you do not want to please someone, and do not want to give any control over to someone, then asking that person to be grateful or to have compassion or to respond to any emotion is a recipe for disaster. Take the emotional expectation out of that equation, and you have peace on both sides and level playing field where all parties feel OK. The tension is relieved, and perhaps, progress can be made.