Life with 14 kids: Challenges

Life with 14 kids: Challenges: So, life is a roller coaster right now, but at least one rider is home.  In questioning all of this, I still come up with several options.  ...

Challenges

So, life is a roller coaster right now, but at least one rider is home.  In questioning all of this, I still come up with several options.  While being truly shocked when identical twins who are non aggressive, compliant, obedient, and respectful go out there, after the shock is over, it is time to discern exactly what went wrong.  Of course in our current world full texts, instagrams and whatever, there is a feeling that you are parenting with an internet provider.  I personally, am not in favor at all of all the cyber stuff, but being an older parent, I try to weigh the balance.

That of course is weighed with our children's disabilities and diagnosis' which leave us solely in the hand of the Lord.  Quite frankly the last couple of months have been almost more than I could bear, other than the quiet voice of God.  I have gone through the stages of grief, and yet, I still grieve because one is still in danger.  He would not say that, but this is a child that I love beyond measure, but needs help beyond measure.  So, I have to reflect on how my Lord and Savior has got me through this.

Well the day after it all happened I was committed to a writing course with my mentor, who I will not name at this moment, but am sorely tempted, because she was a messenger sent to get me through this terrible time.  So, blood pressure on the roof, I went through surgery one day after because I could not cancel, and started a mentor, one on one, writing, ah songwriting, course the same day.  I was also filming a TV pilot which was very important.

I am a person who needs to be busy, feel needed, and give to others.  I was stripped of all of this when my precious boys, old enough to make choices, left.  I was in a place of rejection, fear, failure as a mother, and desperation.  I, alone, was unable to rescue my boys.  I, alone, could not change their circumstances.  I, alone, could not control my fear, anxiety, and blood pressure.  Oh, on the blood pressure thing?  I am a 108 over 64.  When I went for surgery I was 170 over something.  Terrifying.

I am still being sensible about the blood pressure, but my medical advisors feel this is due to anxiety. I am overcoming that every day with prayer, and believe that God IS in control no matter what I think or feel.  I have one twin home, he is back in the swing of being a computer programmer like his dad, not birth, but real dad.  You know the one that tucked him in, read stories, played with him, went to the ER, and loved him EVERY day of his life.  I do not know if God means the other twin to come home, I am not fretting over that any more, but WE ALL HAVE a choice.  So does he.

We are parents who love him.  I am grateful that one prodigal is home, I don't know if the other wants or needs us, but we will love him always and pray constantly.  He has issues which he is not in a place to address, nor with people who want him to address those issues.  Even if you don't believe in my God, or my Jesus, maybe you believe in someone that you pray to about your issues.  I just ask you pray.  All prayers are relevant and will be heard if sincere.

I am so grateful for a Savior who hears me, who leads me, and is constant.  No matter what the outcome here, I believe God has His hand upon this situation and I trust in the Lord with all of my heart, and lean not on my own understanding.

Trials

The last few months have been sort of out of a movie.  So, here I am to catch everyone and I guess myself, up to date.  Lets start at the beginning (a very good place to start....sorry).  January, Isaiah calls to come home for a visit as he went to his sisters place for Christmas, because he had turned 18 and, I really needed the break.   Now he needs to come home, so I am trying to put aside any plans to accommodate because I do understand he is still, after four years, in a precarious position.

I arrive, after two and a half hours driving in the snow, to pick him up.  I am in a hurry, it is winter, the roads are icy, I am in the mountains, just want to pick him up and get him back for the weekend.  Long story cut short? He has been grounded for something we had continually  told him about.  Not only grounded, but about to be expelled, not go to the next level of training because he knew better.  I did not know what emotions I was supposed to have.  He was exuding charm (that is what he does when he is in trouble) but it was not going to cut it this time.  He was out.  Two weeks is what he had left to find a job, finish his GED and get his drivers license.   After that, I drove back on the icy roads alone, wondering if I could have done anything more to make this kid understand.  I reached the conclusion that our family had done all we could, time to move on, let him work it out.  Tough love, tough decisions, but after all that had gone down in the last few years, it was time to look out for others in the family.

His sister had been very vocal about having Isaiah, so realizing that he was not going to follow house rules, I decided that was best for him.  Surprise!!  He was sent to a job organized by his former adoptive, abusive father, in about two days.  After getting over the guilt etc, I realized that maybe we have to fall to rise.  He called me Mother's day.  He is on the rise.

I don't speak much on this blog about the others, all eight at home, but, we are in teenager years, and just recently seven out of our eight met their biological families.  Four (two sets of twins) did great.  I am so blessed that they have found Nana, Paw Paw, aunts, cousins and brothers and sisters.  We have become an extended family united with Christ.  Then there is another three, twin brothers and a sister by another father.  Cut it short, disaster.  The last two months have been like I lost, like in died, two kids.  It has been a journey of prayer, believing that He will prevail, and standing on the rock.

But God does prevail, in good times and in bad.  I ended up coming to the place to stop being angry and confused (nothing in that is God) and realizing that I had to forgive, understand, and pray, not only for my twins, but for the very people who manipulated them out of our house.  Well, no surprises here what the result is.  One is home, the other will be in time.  I have learned faith, patience, and above all Jesus rules.  It is not finished yet, but by prayer it will be and I know I have the faith to believe in that.

Dealing with Attachment Disorder

When I first became a foster/adoptive parent I had no idea of what Reactive Attachment or Attachment Disorder was.  Not much was said in training classes, as I do believe some sixteen or so years ago, there was not much known or recognized even though the disorder was well documented.  We were taught about how bonds should not be broken, and bonding with the child in your home was recommended and healthy for the child to thrive.

I remember the "game" we played with rope where it became really obvious that any existing bonds with birth family should not be broken but nurtured.  It was one of the classes that made me realize the brokenness of some of the children that came from drugs, alcohol and abuse.  It was the first training that made me cry, along with my husband, because the reality, of children who came into foster care, hit home.

But, it wasn't very long into my foster parent journey that the first reactive attachment child just "happened" along.  She was so neglected and thin, that she almost looked like she had some sort of syndrome, so much in fact, that several doctors really tried to find one.  She wasn't quite two when she arrived one Friday afternoon, tiny, strawberry blonde hair, big blue eyes in a too thin face, and a sass that rivaled any child I had ever seen.  What I thought was charming, like, her  calling every female in the room Mom, was really a BIG RED FLAG.  We had friends in from Australia, and she entertained everyone, that is until I tried to bath, feed and put her to bed.  That's when the fun really began.  Controlling anything she had left in her life included, food, bowel movements, destroying toys, hurting small animals that came for a "petting", restraint in any form, such as a crib to sleep in, sitting in the shopping cart, a high chair in a restaurant, a car seat or a stroller just brought about the most terrifying, vocal tantrums you could imagine.  I, Mom, became the enemy, which is typical of AD, or RAD.

It was almost two months before, after much research and finding the right psychologist, that a diagnosis of RAD was made.  Although we really tried, did everything we could to heal this disorder, it was to no avail.  We had other children in the house along with small animals, and, had to make the painful decision to find a "suitable" adoptive family.  We did and are still in touch today, because those bonds, as fragile as they were, could not be broken.  I was bruised, in body and in soul, but made a conscious decision that I would not put myself, or our family through that again.  It became the "one" thing we could not handle.

Well, there was one or two more small children who we had diagnosed and passed onto specialized homes to deal with this disorder, but little did I know that was only training for much later in our foster/adoptive journey. He came to our home through a broken adoption and a trail of "mother figures" letting him down in his life.  There was no other place for him to go, so, I learned this journey of Reactive Attachment Disorder, and, the struggle to find peace, within the family it affected.  Unfortunately, there was another diagnosis, PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  What a double whammy!  But, even though everything I had read told me to give up, I didn't.  My gut told me differently, and my gut was right!

Update.................long summer

Summer was certainly long and wet, and is still ongoing at least for a few more weeks.  I seemed to grow kids, not veggies, this summer.  Too much rain for the garden which failed miserably after so much preparation and thought to what we manage to grow and what we manage to kill!  You think I am joking, but I am not.  Some things thrive even if I cannot tend to them diligently every day, and other plants are just too temperamental, need to much feeding and weeding.

Anyway, the kids survived in throngs around here, swimming even though it was raining, and eating me out of house and home.  It seemed there was at least a dozen every day, but in reality, it was probably only nine or ten!  The towel population was constant and wet, washing machines going constantly as much water was splashed in merriment.  Luckily, we heated the pool last summer because some days the temperatures were a lot less than they should have been.

But, through all the chaos, which is organized to some extent, there were many unexpected joys, and reunions.  Our two youngest sets of twins share the same birth mother, and I found her back in custody at the end of last year, started communicating again, and eventually meeting her with the children when she was released from custody in May, just after we began summer holidays.  Unfortunately, she slid back into her addict lifestyle within days of the meeting, but the children reconnected with their siblings and cousins along with their "Nana", who spent many years loving them from a distance.

They discovered another younger sister, and another set of twins.  All of this was a lot to take in, but, it being summer, we were able to take off with the children, their cousin and their eldest sister, to travel to North Carolina to meet their 18month old sister and brother.  What a wonderful time for all of them.  And God is good to enable the amazing set of circumstances that led up to us finding them, and meeting them within a couple of short weeks of knowing they existed.  So, now we have even more extended wonderful family surrounding all of the children.

On top of that, Isaiah has just done so remarkably well at Job Corps.  He went there last September, and of course comes home for a week-end here and there, well, at least when he's not going to six flags, or a Braves game, Dollywood, or whatever fun they have planned every week-end.  He was only somewhere between fourth and fifth grade, with some third grade thrown in when he arrived there.  He has now passed three out of five of his GED exams, is 65% through his trade, and has been offered Advanced Education.  He his planning out where he is going for that and would love to experience the West Coast or Florida.  I am so proud of him and his achievements.

On top of that my book "Finding Friday" was finally published and is available here.  You can get the hard copy or the E book at this link.  I am accepting speaking engagements with regards to the book and the journey that Isaiah has been on.  I quite frankly have given up on any justice for the circumstances that lead him here, but you DO reap what you sow.  Isaiah is proof of that.  He is reaping what he so disbelievingly sowed.  Those seeds have grown up in his life, and are real.  Positive proof of hope through worst situation you could find yourself in.

All is well, thank God!!

Life

Life has been really crazy busy lately.  So many things have been going on all at the one time.  Most of my kids are involved in either ballet company (which includes tap and jazz) or musical theatre.  So come end of school year there are performances and recitals, plus CRCT exams, and finals, plus a couple of birthdays, and a birth family reunion.  Then there is Roger's work stuff, which includes a trip to Prague in a little over a week, and his ongoing capturing this or that on the internet, my songwriting stuff, which includes writing appointments, the studio, and Nashville trips to fit in.

Somewhere under that noise level, there is my waiting for the "call".  The one that says I made it through the final round of XFactor and am on the show.

Then, there is the book, "Finding Friday", which is at the printers and about to hit the stands.  My TV adds for the cd, "Broken Hearts and Broken Wings" is also about to hit.  Whew!

But what stood out from the crazy business, was the birth family reunion.  My youngest two sets of twins have the same birth mother.  She is, on the inside, a beautiful person, who I believe loves Jesus, and, wants to find another life.  But, that is really HARD for an addict.  She has been addicted to drugs and alcohol since about sixteen, she is turning forty two or so.  We have been in contact for the last few months and she was released from re-hab and jail just a few short days ago.  We all met, along with the children's grandparents, aunt and uncle and cousin, last Saturday night.

The wonderful, amazing, thankful thing here is, that the children didn't just meet their birth mother, they met their family.  A Nana who has missed her grand babies for thirteen years, and an aunt and cousin who desperately wanted to connect with the "missing" in their family.  I understand, I was missing a niece for some thirty years, but, thankfully was reunited some years back and our family retrieved the "lost" one.

Unfortunately, birth mom is now MIA again.  Perhaps the meeting was too much, but I suspect the drugs just dissolved the tender, tiny threads that were hanging onto Jesus.  But, God in His infinite wisdom, knew all of this and allowed this family, this Nana, Aunts, cousins, and other siblings time enough to re-connect for the rest of their lives.  No matter what pain, there is joy.  IF you choose to find it, hang on to it, and never let it go.  Even through the hard times.

Last 6 hours

Hi, this is not my normal blog, which I have much to say, but am on a deadline tonight.  The article written by Kathryn Joyce was published online this week in the publication Mother Jones.  You can read an excerpt from her book on line at Mother Jones as well as if you google.

Both Kathryn and myself have issues with the abuse that has been dished out to children in some adoptive situations, which include, Isaiah, and his older sister CeCe.  While CeCe has moved on to a family of her own, she still struggles with the fact that she was never educated either, just the same as Isaiah.  These children did not have a voice, they do now.

I have clearly shouted in my book "Finding Friday" and I hope you will help me reach my current goal, which is $261 short.  I have six hours left.  I thank each and everyone who has shared this, and contributed, but if you have not, I ask that if you are so inclined, please give in the next six hours.  Thanks and blessings to all.  Here is the link.