Challenges

So, life is a roller coaster right now, but at least one rider is home.  In questioning all of this, I still come up with several options.  While being truly shocked when identical twins who are non aggressive, compliant, obedient, and respectful go out there, after the shock is over, it is time to discern exactly what went wrong.  Of course in our current world full texts, instagrams and whatever, there is a feeling that you are parenting with an internet provider.  I personally, am not in favor at all of all the cyber stuff, but being an older parent, I try to weigh the balance.

That of course is weighed with our children's disabilities and diagnosis' which leave us solely in the hand of the Lord.  Quite frankly the last couple of months have been almost more than I could bear, other than the quiet voice of God.  I have gone through the stages of grief, and yet, I still grieve because one is still in danger.  He would not say that, but this is a child that I love beyond measure, but needs help beyond measure.  So, I have to reflect on how my Lord and Savior has got me through this.

Well the day after it all happened I was committed to a writing course with my mentor, who I will not name at this moment, but am sorely tempted, because she was a messenger sent to get me through this terrible time.  So, blood pressure on the roof, I went through surgery one day after because I could not cancel, and started a mentor, one on one, writing, ah songwriting, course the same day.  I was also filming a TV pilot which was very important.

I am a person who needs to be busy, feel needed, and give to others.  I was stripped of all of this when my precious boys, old enough to make choices, left.  I was in a place of rejection, fear, failure as a mother, and desperation.  I, alone, was unable to rescue my boys.  I, alone, could not change their circumstances.  I, alone, could not control my fear, anxiety, and blood pressure.  Oh, on the blood pressure thing?  I am a 108 over 64.  When I went for surgery I was 170 over something.  Terrifying.

I am still being sensible about the blood pressure, but my medical advisors feel this is due to anxiety. I am overcoming that every day with prayer, and believe that God IS in control no matter what I think or feel.  I have one twin home, he is back in the swing of being a computer programmer like his dad, not birth, but real dad.  You know the one that tucked him in, read stories, played with him, went to the ER, and loved him EVERY day of his life.  I do not know if God means the other twin to come home, I am not fretting over that any more, but WE ALL HAVE a choice.  So does he.

We are parents who love him.  I am grateful that one prodigal is home, I don't know if the other wants or needs us, but we will love him always and pray constantly.  He has issues which he is not in a place to address, nor with people who want him to address those issues.  Even if you don't believe in my God, or my Jesus, maybe you believe in someone that you pray to about your issues.  I just ask you pray.  All prayers are relevant and will be heard if sincere.

I am so grateful for a Savior who hears me, who leads me, and is constant.  No matter what the outcome here, I believe God has His hand upon this situation and I trust in the Lord with all of my heart, and lean not on my own understanding.