Dealing with Autism and Bi-polar combined (plus a few others)

Well most of you know about our adventures with a broken adoption, including PTSD, and re-active attachment disorder, but, there are a few other issues that complicate our household and family.  Bi-polar and mood disorder are a few, meaning four, and we have two who are epileptic.  Fun, no, lots of worry and attention every day.

At the moment, we are dealing with a complicated kid.  Seventeen and thinking she's in control.  But that thinking is distorted due to autism, bi-polar, ADHD, OCD, and Tourettes.  Hard to take that in?  Yes it is.  So complicated that she is currently an outpatient in a program following a stint at being an inpatient.  My heart breaks, and my mother instinct  so wants it all to go away on one hand, yet knows if we do not address this now, she is lost, maybe like her biological family.

I think here as a mother and go, well how would you like to "tick", i.e. jerk your head, make guttural sounds, eye blink, and then get so "stuck" in your thought pattern because if you take OCD medicine you go into hyper manic bi-polar.  That looks like you tear the whole house apart, laughing and thinking this is a great game, maybe for three weeks vs three pills you took. Then your autism kicks in and you are not understanding rules, because you think in your "own" black and white, and that does not match normal criteria.  And, on top of that, you are a fast metabolizer and your bi-polar meds just go through so fast they cannot keep up with your mood.  Ok, there is one medicine that might, but, a BIG BUT, you are so sensory impaired you do not like mint, or cherry and it only comes in those flavors.  No non flavor.  And, the only other one, makes you gain ten pounds in a month.

You are seventeen.  You want friends.  They don't understand your impulsive behavior, or your attempt at making a joke which in the end offends.  This is my child, making terrible mistakes because she really doesn't have much decision making in her brain, but being judged because others do not have compassion, or unconditional love, and do not know how to even think about that, let alone do it.  This is my child, that I have to be above feelings to save her from her own inability to reason, work it out, and understand that everyone is not going to "like" her.

Yet, she is musical, has perfect pitch, but no ego to give her the confidence to take the world with her talents.  She sees the world as judgmental, because she is that upon herself.  She thinks all of her peers are looking at her imperfections, not her amazing talents.  She has long fingers, is a natural guitarist, and could be another ingenue in the musical world. But, as much as we try to tell her she is amazing, her own disorders tell her something different.

WHY DOES THE WORLD NOT UNDERSTAND!!!

BECAUSE WE ARE SO WRAPPED UP IN OUR OWN WORLDS, WE CHOOSE TO NOT SEE HERS.

Am I saying this is easy?  No.  I write this after a particularly difficult night where her rage could not be contained.  Where as a mother I was not wanted, needed and cast aside.  Well I could wallow in that, but I know that is the disorder speaking, not my sweet, frightened, vulnerable, persecuted child.  Every time she threatens to cut, I worry.  I stand in her door, all 5'1 and 3/4" against her 5'6" frame.  I am not afraid for me, I am afraid for her.  I know she will not do real harm, or I hope not, but I stand. I stand in the name of my savior, JESUS, and know He sent her to me not to be lost, but to be found.  I know how many of her biological family have been lost, I am not going there.  I trust in the word that was given, and proved that He gave her to US.  

I know some of you reading this are thrown for a loop, this is not what I have blogged about in the past.  And, I will shock you even again in the future.  I have adopted, rescued kids that need the compassion of the body, the body of Christ.  I believe that is possible, but do not feel that compassion often, and neither does she.  She feels condemnation and rejection.  With the disorders she suffers from, she tries.  She goes to church, but feels rejected.  Safe is better I guess.  But, I know Jesus did not think safe was better.  So where does that leave the church?

I leave that with you to think about.  You may have never had a look into the life of someone who looks like one of those biblical characters that only Jesus understood..  I would say......look......do not judge what you do not know.  I am blessed He trusted me with this child.

Life with 14 kids: Updates, and insights

Life with 14 kids: Updates, and insights: Well I haven't been blogging here for a while, but so many things have happened in our life with all these kids, who are growing up.  Ou...

Updates, and insights

Well I haven't been blogging here for a while, but so many things have happened in our life with all these kids, who are growing up.  Our eldest set of twins are amazing.  Learned lessons they didn't need to, but then again, that's my opinion.  It is hard to say they did need to learn them.  They were truly the prodigal sons.  They are doing great.  But, it didn't come easy or without hard decisions and rules.

They thought they could make their own life, and oh, I know this is a shock, but they couldn't.  No one at eighteen is mature enough to know what they are doing for the rest of their life.  Well, maybe not no one, but certainly not many.  Isaiah thought the same thing.  Well more about that later.

We are sent through trials and test in our lives, and Rog and I certainly know that now.  Sometimes in the midst of it, there is wonder, and doubt, but God is always in control.  Oh, that is funny!  During this time of testing and trial, I wrote a song, "God Is In Control".  It won a major competition and I will let you know when the group who are recording it, release it.

Coming home was one thing, finding their feet and their education was another.  They tried at public school.  Might I add they had only a short stint at public school, disaster, and it only went down hill from there.  After being in a household filled with an affirmation of drugs, smoking, anything else that went down, coming back, even though they wanted to, was hard.  Harder, was backing off, letting them make their own decisions, and understanding who was their real family.  They knew, but had guilt feelings about their other "birth" family.  Tough for them and us.  But, we were their "God" chosen family.  We knew them, loved them, and did not expect anything other than love in return.

It has been a ride, a roller coaster, but they came through it, and rocked it in safely to home, even it it was a the slowing down pace that the ride does, literally.  My boys are home, great, safe, working for their dad, got their driving licenses, in fact one bought his first car today.  Excited, proud, and thankful for God's guidance, love, encouragement, and most of all the ability to trust in Him.

Isaiah, well he had to go on his own ride.  His focus was always California.  Well, no surprise, that is an expensive place, and if you don't have money?  Well honey, you live in your car.  It became a place he could not do anymore on his own.  Lucky for him, he has a lot of people always there for him.  He contacted, he was supported.  Where he goes now, and how he does is in the hands of God.  But, those hands hold tight, never give up, and hang on even thought the toughest roller coaster rides.

I am trusting.  But his story, is amazing, even as it goes on (which might be the second book) and you need to read it, understand what it does in a child's mind, and support and pray for him.

And now, another journey, another trial is on the horizon, but God is Good, all of the time.

What A Ride

Ok, these last few months have been something out of a movie for me.  My two kids who were the least resistant got caught up in finding out where they came from.  That can be good, which I have experienced, or that can be not so good.  It seemed like I was on a roller coaster, which I hate by the way, and I could not get off.  I was facing push back behavior I was unprepared for, not expecting to the point if affected my health.

But there I was, in the midst of stuff, stuff I didn't ask for or expect.  It all came out of kindness.   Kindness to the birth family, and compassion.  Well I have learned that some of us know kindness and compassion and others don't.  Some have never experienced these emotions, and are caught up in the thought that, one, they deserve that, and two, they are not even going to think about giving that.  Nothing can resolve these two stand offs.  I resolved that I could not change my kids thoughts, or the situation they were in, but I could still have kindness and compassion, with boundaries.

It lead me to a place where I wanted to know more, to be able to understand my thoughts, why I wanted to reach out to others, and why even when I was betrayed, abused and not understood, I still wanted to find the answer how to reach people who could not understand.

I have understood for a really long time that I have given my life for others, twelve children, four out of my womb, and eight out of my heart, nine grandchildren and countless foster children, but one special one, Isaiah, who we rescued from Liberia.  Thank God for that!  I didn't even know that this horrible disease would affect that country but God did, and He called my name, put the desire in my heart, and we rescued him.  It was a long, seemingly fruitless journey, but he is alive, has a life, and a freedom to be who he wants to be.

So, I will continue this blog about all of my children and their adventures, but I would like you to know I will be starting a new blog.  One about my journey as a life coach, specializing in women who think they are too old to begin something new, or just to BE who they are.  That does not mean I will not be available to  people who do not know how to cope with that new foster child, an autisic child, a lost child, or a family who cannot get it together.

I am so excited about my new journey, and my new website, not available yet, but I will tell you when it is.  If any of this applies to you, please let me know.  I am looking to coach right now for free.

A Wake Up Call

This week, I had a colleague say something to me that jolted me back to a time in my life where, one, I was very successful, but, two, I had a lot of important people around me telling me I couldn't and shouldn't do what I was setting out to accomplish.  This, fortunately or not, has happened to me on more than one occasion when I found I had a passion light up to embark on something not everyone would, or could do.

In my youth, in fact at 15, I auditioned for the State Professional Light Opera Company against sneers and words spoken to me that echoed "You can't do that".  Well I did.  I became the youngest member of the Queensland Light Opera Company ever and went on to lead roles, a stack of press, being a celebrity on TV shows and mostly never doubting for a minute that I would do it AND be successful.  Those people in that company became family to me, and surrounded me with protection and love.  Until I could drive, they picked me up and took me home, many times in a week from rehearsals and performances.  I still try to go to reunions with life long friends.  That happened because I was so young, and full of enthusiasm that I never even thought of doubting my ability, until much later.

But, life comes along, and the school of hard knocks, and the doubters words start to get to you.  I fought a lot of opposition when my husband and I began the path of fostering and adoption.  I was shocked how often I would be out with my then fragile babies in quad strollers, and people, total strangers, would point and stare and quite often criticize openly, even though they would never take a child themselves.  That journey has brought me many friends, and many laughs.  I remember a dear friend of mine, when we first met, came to my house and was shocked.  It showed on her face and I asked what was wrong?  She said, "the house is so tidy, I didn't expect that".  We laughed and over time as our friendship grew, she began to see that I was a person who accepted challenge, liked to succeed, and organized my life very well.  I was always an organized and busy person, but the children taught me to do little things often, and not let it roll into a big overwhelming task.

Some years before we left Australia, we had a business, our first, and were given terrible advice, but being novices, did not know any better, and cutting a long story short, ended up holding the bag, a bag full of debt.  At the time, my youngest kids were two and three, and I was a stay at home mum.  Had to be for my husband to work the long hours he had to.  I racked my brain as to what I could do to help the household finances, and to pay the debt.  I can remember everyone literally rolling on the floor laughing when I said I was going to be an Avon representative.  Those days you went door to door selling Avon.  I could do this with the kids and it was a start.  Well no-one was laughing when I became the top seller in my state three months later, a stand-in-manger (with a wage and car) six months later and a Manager with benefits, a car and an expense account within a year.  We paid our debt from those small beginnings.  I learned a lot from that adventure.  If you set your mind you can do anything through Christ who strengthens us.  I was also the lead singer out front of a band while I did that job, and ended up being the first Avon employee to be chosen to sing an original song, record it and perform at National conference, along with another friend, whose name is Trish.

All this to say, I have come out of a fog, a place where I have not been honest with myself or a lot of people I know and have hidden under a fog, or a bushel if you like.  To the extent, because I have always been conscious of "bragging", that on my 60th birthday my children were shocked to find all my press from my youth, and pictures in magazines, reporter critiques, and a whole lot of performance photos.  I never shared, for fear of what?  Instead of being what I thought was humble, I didn't trust my kids to be able to be proud and not intimidated, and I haven't trusted a lot of good friends to enjoy my successes with me, or to share with them how to do many things well, if you want to.

Why has society become the "put down" age?  Why do we feel like people won't like us if we are successful, and why don't we trust our friends to enjoy every journey that we embark on.  I am officially encouraging all of my friends to come out of the fog.  Get up and achieve the things you want to even if it looks impossible.  You only live once, make it a journey full of everything you want to do, do not listen to the whispers, or loud exclamations of doubt, go for it.  It is better to have tried and failed, than to have never tried at all.

Life with 14 kids: Challenges

Life with 14 kids: Challenges: So, life is a roller coaster right now, but at least one rider is home.  In questioning all of this, I still come up with several options.  ...

Challenges

So, life is a roller coaster right now, but at least one rider is home.  In questioning all of this, I still come up with several options.  While being truly shocked when identical twins who are non aggressive, compliant, obedient, and respectful go out there, after the shock is over, it is time to discern exactly what went wrong.  Of course in our current world full texts, instagrams and whatever, there is a feeling that you are parenting with an internet provider.  I personally, am not in favor at all of all the cyber stuff, but being an older parent, I try to weigh the balance.

That of course is weighed with our children's disabilities and diagnosis' which leave us solely in the hand of the Lord.  Quite frankly the last couple of months have been almost more than I could bear, other than the quiet voice of God.  I have gone through the stages of grief, and yet, I still grieve because one is still in danger.  He would not say that, but this is a child that I love beyond measure, but needs help beyond measure.  So, I have to reflect on how my Lord and Savior has got me through this.

Well the day after it all happened I was committed to a writing course with my mentor, who I will not name at this moment, but am sorely tempted, because she was a messenger sent to get me through this terrible time.  So, blood pressure on the roof, I went through surgery one day after because I could not cancel, and started a mentor, one on one, writing, ah songwriting, course the same day.  I was also filming a TV pilot which was very important.

I am a person who needs to be busy, feel needed, and give to others.  I was stripped of all of this when my precious boys, old enough to make choices, left.  I was in a place of rejection, fear, failure as a mother, and desperation.  I, alone, was unable to rescue my boys.  I, alone, could not change their circumstances.  I, alone, could not control my fear, anxiety, and blood pressure.  Oh, on the blood pressure thing?  I am a 108 over 64.  When I went for surgery I was 170 over something.  Terrifying.

I am still being sensible about the blood pressure, but my medical advisors feel this is due to anxiety. I am overcoming that every day with prayer, and believe that God IS in control no matter what I think or feel.  I have one twin home, he is back in the swing of being a computer programmer like his dad, not birth, but real dad.  You know the one that tucked him in, read stories, played with him, went to the ER, and loved him EVERY day of his life.  I do not know if God means the other twin to come home, I am not fretting over that any more, but WE ALL HAVE a choice.  So does he.

We are parents who love him.  I am grateful that one prodigal is home, I don't know if the other wants or needs us, but we will love him always and pray constantly.  He has issues which he is not in a place to address, nor with people who want him to address those issues.  Even if you don't believe in my God, or my Jesus, maybe you believe in someone that you pray to about your issues.  I just ask you pray.  All prayers are relevant and will be heard if sincere.

I am so grateful for a Savior who hears me, who leads me, and is constant.  No matter what the outcome here, I believe God has His hand upon this situation and I trust in the Lord with all of my heart, and lean not on my own understanding.